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This post didn't have a good spot chronologically, but there's definitely more that needs to be said about the first holiday without Mom. This song was released this past holiday season, and that would be my fav, Brad Paisley, on the guitar. The timing of this release couldn't have been more perfect or more heartbreaking. I honestly just wasn't even sure that Christmas could happen without my mom here. It's been one of my greatest fears since I was a child. She WAS the magic of Christmas. Her firm conviction that there IS a Santa was enough to give me pause as a grown woman when I would stuff my children's stockings. As someone who decorates with ornaments that belonged to my great-grandmother, it's an understatement to say that it's a sentimental time of year for me. So I had no idea what to expect this year. 

Last year's Christmas in many ways was almost harder. I put up our tree and fell to pieces because I knew mom wouldn't make it to our house to see it, she hadn't been able to come the year before, and wouldn't be here this year. When we sat down for Christmas lunch, she came to the table with us- a first in several months. Which made it notable, which made it the obvious "last time" we'd sit at the table together holiday or otherwise. Because I wasn't even sure if she'd still be with us on Christmas, I took presents to her every time I saw something I thought she could use starting in November. The little girls decorated a small tree with antique ornaments to put in Mom and Dad's room so she'd have a tree, too.  The highlight of that year was that I got to do all the stocking shopping for both Mom and Dad. Stockings have always been my favorite. Obviously, Mom wasn't going anywhere to shop and for the first time in his life, Dad struggled to come up with what to buy. On Christmas Day, Mom used every ounce of energy she had to eat with us and then open her stocking before she crashed. She went to bed. And that was the last time most of my kids saw her. 

So when this year rolled around, how would we even carry on? When I was buying wrapping paper my first thoughts were "Mom is going to love this." She loved beautiful packages. I've only had one dream about her since she passed away and it was not too long after. She and I were wrapping Christmas presents, and she commented how strange it was for her to be putting her name on tags when she wasn't going to be here. I just wasn't sure I could do it. 

We all went over one evening to decorate Dad's tree. And to my absolute amazement, it was so much fun. He still had to leave to get more lights like every other year. John and I still fought over who's childhood creations were more precious and should go higher on the tree (spoiler alert, he's a foot taller, guess who's are ALWAYS higher!) Memories of where and when everything came from were rehearsed as usual. It was hard not having mom there, but her misery last year was hard, too. 

I was sad when the cherub choir pageant at church rolled around and Greta was cast as Mary. Granna had been an angel (as an adult when I was a little girl in our church's Christmas production). She had worn enormous wings and sang Joy to the World. I wished that she could have been there to see baby girl, but I knew she was with ACTUAL angels worshipping the ACTUAL Christ with the REAL Mary. 

Christmas Eve, we went to church and then met my brother and his wife at Dad's to spend the night. We had a supper of fudge and Chex Mix while we watched Christmas Vacation, Dad snoozing in his chair bedecked in his Clark Griswald Chicago Bears ball cap- these are all sacred requirements. Christmas morning was the usual joyous chaos. The girls woke everyone up at the crack of dawn. The dogs tussled over their new toys. We all munched on sausage pinwheels, cinnamon roll Kringle, and drank orange julius. Dad had done his customary wrapping of gifts in the Wall Street Journal. There's always a clue to what's inside based on a picture or headline. While joyous, there was most definitely the sense that something wasn't right. Almost the same feeling when you're putting a cake in the oven and you just know you left something out. It will probably be alright, but it's also probably going to be a little "off". You know?

Perhaps the hardest part was when it was time to eat lunch on Christmas Day. I took my new spot- Mom's old seat and did my best to hold it together as the gravity of that moment set in. The last time we'd been here, was the last meal we'd had with her, on her last Christmas with us. The next hardest part was probably leaving. It was almost as hard as it was leaving for the first time after her funeral. When it comes to loving my dad, there's just nothing that compares. I don't want him to ever feel like he's doing this alone. I am just so grateful for all of our family and friends that have surrounded us all this year. Lifted us up in prayer. Shared the burden. I said it the day of her funeral and I'll say it again. You've made it bearable. 

Winter is my favorite season and Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I'm so glad to know that it can continue. It will always be joyful, but there will always be something missing until the second Advent. Which means each year will always hold great anticipation but also a painful longing for  "Last Year".

Photos: 1.My first Christmas- I still can't figure out how she's in a satin blouse and I'm still in my pajamas, but I love everything about this picture. She made a comment in a "My First Christmas Book" that I got a new red wagon and sat up so straight in it for a picture. 2. Somehow her cleaning up wrapping paper under the tree made the news 3. a favorite of Mom & Dad in the snow 4. my last gift to my mom 5. Dad's tree this year- all that was missing was Mom's annual declaration that it was the biggest/prettiest/fullest tree we'd ever had.  

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I got the boxes down from the attic
With the tree up in the room
Unwrapped every ornament
Covered in pages from last year's Sunday Tribune

Just about every one of them
Reminds me of you
Cause knick knacks and flashbacks
And yester-year's news

Oh, it's that time again
For the memories of loved ones, family, and friends
But this Christmas I know won't compare
To back when you were here
I guess there's always last year

You were laughing by the light of the fireplace
Every time I close my eyes
The best days of my life
Those cold winter nights
Even though I realize

There will never be another December like that
But I'm trying to be thankful for what we had

Oh, it's that time again
For the memories of loved ones, family, and friends
But this Christmas I know won't compare
To back when you were here
I guess there's always last year


Found a picture of you in the snow
In a bad Christmas sweater
Next to letters you wrote
Don't you know you're the reason I love this season so

Oh, it's that time again (It's that time again)

This Christmas is just not the same without you here
I guess there's always last year

Guess there's always last year