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So here we are. It's been a year. I stumbled up Visiting Hours not too long ago and immediately could relate to so much in this song. 

There are so many times when I just wish I could have one little petty minute with mom. I know she doesn't want to come back, but I just need to know how long she cooked the roast for, how many siblings did her grandmother have, how do I hem a pair of pants, how many forks did I get when we got married- I think I'm missing some. Never mind, that one's in the binder. 

Selfishly I really miss knowing she's sitting in her bed just waiting on me to show up and bring her the news. I miss snapping pictures of things the kids are doing or things I see at stores to show her the next time I'm with her. I miss being able to just ramble about whatever was bothering me- who was she going to tell or where did she have to be that I needed to rush. It was like having a little bird in a cage that I could play with whenever I wanted.

I grieve that my younger kids didn't get to know Granna the way the big ones did. And that they didn't have more time with her. Will they even really remember her? Will they know how much she loved them?

Through this year I've compiled a "Mom" photo folder and move pictures into it as I come across them. The one above is one that I've loved looking at. All year, I've felt like that was how our relationship was now. She was there, watching, but behind a window and we just couldn't reach out and touch her. There was a little hope in that thought, but also some sadness. Because that's how a lot of our get togethers have been for the last few years. Mom couldn't be with us because of germs, or she couldn't breathe outside if it was too hot, too cold, or too polleny. She'd burn easily in the sun. And it was a lot of physical effort for her to get wherever we were. So she observed from this window the comings and goings. 

But finally this week I realized I had it all backwards. She's not the one with a  view obscured by a window anymore. Her view doesn't get blocked when someone runs around a corner, she's not getting glimpses of what's going on. We're the one's with that partial view. Through God's word we're brought news of the Home to come, we're given verbal pictures of the things going on in Heaven, we're asked if we remember Who really loves us, and we labor, often times painfully, through life here. But Mom. Mom is in the fullness of all those promises. Faith, hope, and love abide, but the greatest is love. The greatest is love because it is the only one remaining in Heaven. Faith has been fulfilled and hope is no longer needed. We were made and designed for so much more than what this fallen world has to offer. Mom was not meant to be my walking post it note pad, or my little pet, or my reassurance that I was loved. She was designed, as we all are, to love God and enjoy him forever. I'm so blessed to know that she is.

'Til we meet again, "Thank you. I just love you".


Photos: Top- Mom watching everyone play at the lake the first 4th of July in their new house. Bottom- bracelet I received for Christmas this year. It's mom's handwriting. The note that the artist used to create it was written about 14 years ago. I just opened my first birthday card (from more than 14 years ago) and the signature was exactly the same.

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I wish that heaven had visiting hours
So I could just show up and bring the news
That she's gettin' older and I wish that you'd met her
The things that she'll learn from me, I got them all from you
Can I just stay a while and we'll put all the world to rights?
The little ones will grow and I'll still drink your favorite wine
And soon, they're going to close, but I'll see you another day
So much has changed since you've been away
I wish that heaven had visiting hours
So I could just swing by and ask your advice
What would you do in my situation? I haven't a clue how I'd even raise them
What would you do? 'Cause you always do what's right
Can we just talk a while until my worries disappear?
I'd tell you that I'm scared of turnin' out a failure
You'd say, "Remember that the answer's in the love that we create"
So much has changed since you've been away
I wish that heaven had visiting hours
And I would ask them if I could take you home
But I know what they'd say, that it's for the best
So I will live life the way you taught me, and make it on my own
And I will close the door, but I will open up my heart
And everyone I love will know exactly who you are
'Cause this is not goodbye, it is just 'til we meet again
So much has changed since you've been away

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