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 "A Liturgy for the Anniversary of a Loss" From Every Moment Holy, Volume I By Ned Bustard I have felt its approach in the back of my mind,  O Lord, like a burden tilting toward me across the calendar. I have felt its long approach, and now it has arrived. This is the day that marks the anniversary of my loss, and waking to it, I must drink again from the stream of a sorrow that cannot be fully remedied in this life. O Christ, redeem this day.   I do not ask that these lingerings of grief be erased, but that the fingers of your grace would work this memory as a baker kneads a dough, till the leaven of rising hope transforms it from within, into a form holding now in that same sorrow the surety of your presence, so that when I  look again at that loss, I see you in the deepest gloom of it,     weeping with me, even as I hear you whispering that this is not the end, but only the still grey of the dawn before the world begins. And if that is so, then let that ...

So here we are. It's been a year. I stumbled up  Visiting Hour s not too long ago and immediately could relate to so much in this song.  There are so many times when I just wish I could have one little petty minute with mom. I know she doesn't want to come back, but I just need to know how long she cooked the roast for, how many siblings did her grandmother have, how do I hem a pair of pants, how many forks did I get when we got married- I think I'm missing some. Never mind, that one's in the binder.  Selfishly I really miss knowing she's sitting in her bed just waiting on me to show up and bring her the news. I miss snapping pictures of things the kids are doing or things I see at stores to show her the next time I'm with her. I miss being able to just ramble about whatever was bothering me- who was she going to tell or where did she have to be that I needed to rush. It was like having a little bird in a cage that I could play with whenever I wanted. I grieve t...

This post didn't have a good spot chronologically, but there's definitely more that needs to be said about the first holiday without Mom. This song was released this past holiday season, and that would be my fav, Brad Paisley, on the guitar. The timing of this release couldn't have been more perfect or more heartbreaking. I honestly just wasn't even sure that Christmas could happen without my mom here. It's been one of my greatest fears since I was a child. She WAS the magic of Christmas. Her firm conviction that there IS a Santa was enough to give me pause as a grown woman when I would stuff my children's stockings. As someone who decorates with ornaments that belonged to my great-grandmother, it's an understatement to say that it's a sentimental time of year for me. So I had no idea what to expect this year.  Last year's Christmas in many ways was almost harder. I put up our tree and fell to pieces because I knew mom wouldn't make it to our hou...